There’s a story I’ve heard about St. Thomas Becket, the former Archbishop of Canterbury, being martyred at an evening mass in Canterbury Cathedral. As a child, I was obsessed with Henry VIII child and read that Becket was martyred during his reign. I hadn’t realized that it happened in the sanctuary of a cathedral, though.
Because Becket died during what should have been a vespers service, singing carols and praying felt like an appropriate way to commemorate today. (I also added a small glass of wine to the proceedings).
There are so many carols that I love it is hard to pick one. Music is made more difficult by brain fog (I’m still sick). But music is a great force of healing, so the brain fog does not matter as much. Even humming or tapping a rhythm makes me happier and clears the fog away, for a time. There are a lot of old favorites: Silent Night, The First Noel, The Holly and the Ivy, and I Heard the Bells on Christmas Day. I did a lot of singing this December and it always makes the Christmas time that much more special. I wish more people would celebrate the twelve days of Christmas so we could keep singing all of these carols. So many of them express the beauty of Christ’s coming through the lens of different cultures. Silent Night is German, The First Noel is French, the Holly and the Ivy is English, and I Heard the Bells is American. For next year, I would love to research and learn carols from other parts of the world.
Here’s one of my favorite settings of a Christmas carol. This is called the Huron carol, and it is believed to be one of the first songs written by Christians in the New World.
For prayer time, my brain felt foggy still, so I opted to use Douglas McKelvey’s Every Moment Holy to help me focus.
Two of my favorites prayers that I used tonight are from his Sundry Moments section. I prayed this one for members of my family.
God, as I hold ______ a moment in my thoughts
I ask that you would hold them eternally in Yours,
remaining ever at work in their heart and life,
even now directing their paths toward Your good ends.
This one is for being moved by a song or a piece of music. It felt very appropriate for a night where I sang carols and listened to choirs.
O Lord, let such melodies penetrate my heart’s defenses,
gently revealing old wounds unto their eventual healings,
gently stirring eternal longings unto the restoration of hope.
Tune my heart, my mind, my life,
to voice your melodies, O God.
I hope this day finds you well and still celebrating the birth of our Lord. Merry Christmas!
A young girl heard me playing at a local festival and her mother asked me afterwards if I could teach her piano. Once a week, my grandmother drove me over to their house and I taught my first student for thirty minutes.
I was elated. There was so much joy flowing between me and the student during those lessons.
I could do this. I could be good at this. It seemed like a calling.
I earned a music degree, and ended up teaching piano right out of university. I felt like I was discovering a whole new side of myself ( the teacher side), and it was overwhelming in a lot of ways. There was still this voice inside of me that said “You can be good at this.” I decided to trust that voice.
After being diagnosed with Lyme disease at age 23, I decided to take a break from teaching. There was a period of about seven months when I didn’t teach at all. I barely played piano. When I decided to start teaching again, it was hard. Brain fog was consistent, as was exhaustion, and lingering colds and coughs. Still, those connections with my students brought me so much life and fulfillment, I couldn’t give it up. I loved it, even with all the illness in my life.
During Covid, I discovered this wonderful method based around Music Learning Theory and the work of Dr. Edwin Gordon. It shifted my perspective and my teaching completely. I was excited to go into work and try everything I was reading about: singing, chanting, improvisations, mashups, medleys. It was all new and exciting. And this voice inside me said, “You can be good at this. You ARE good at this.”
I did as much training as I could afford (and even some I couldn’t). I began to notice a good shift in how my students responded to me and also in how I responded to them. Lessons felt so life giving and exciting.
Something else was happening, though. All the training was good. All the work was good. There was just a lot of it. While I noticed that my students were improving and growing in ways I really loved, there was only so far I could take them. There’s a lot to it (more than I can explain in this blog post), but what I can say is that lessons began to feel like hitting a big wall.
By this point in my career, I was ten years in and had only ever taken that long stretch of time off when I was very sick with Lyme. I could do all of the teaching stuff: lesson planning, educating parents, creating great recitals, and building rapport and trust with students. But then, this block started to settle over me. I was having a harder time thinking several steps ahead, and when I did think several steps ahead, the energy wasn’t there. A feeling of chronic overwork began to settle in, and I often couldn’t imagine how I was going to get through lessons.
At the same time, I couldn’t imagine a life without piano teaching. How could I leave the thing that had defined me since I was 13?
One day I decided I had to. Really, it was more like several days and nights. As a person of faith, I always try to listen to God when I make decisions. I prayed. I reflected. I prayed some more. I asked for wisdom. The answer came: it was alright to leave. I was very dissatisfied with work. Students don’t learn well from a dissatisfied teacher. It was such a strange feeling letting go of it all. The grief was palpable and intense, made worse by the fact that I couldn’t actually tell any of my students that I was leaving yet.
I actually took a picture the day that I remember it really settling into my heart and soul. The sky was turning a stormy grey overhead, and even though my heart kept pounding at the thought of doing anything differently, my eyes were at peace.
I could be good at something else.
In the months since, I’ve found a new job, and Saturday was my final studio recital for a while. It was a beautiful day, full of gorgeous music and sweet families that I have so loved getting to know over the last several years. I came home and cried a bit afterwards.
I don’t actually know if I will even come back to teaching. This has been my primary job since I was in my early 20s. Setting some kind of timeline for when I “need” to be ready to come back to it wouldn’t be fair. I need a chance to explore and see what’s out there.
Several of my friends are convinced I will be back. Sometimes without thinking I say “When I have my own studio…”, and then I catch myself because I don’t actually know if that IS what I want. Dreams seem a bit elusive right now. I am excited to see and do other things aside from the piano teaching world.
I’ll be working at a bakery for the time being, and it is wonderful. I love going in to work to make rolls, and scones, and cookies. Other things on my bucket list include playing guitar and ukulele, writing a novel, and not being late to social events because of my job. (that last one is actually a real novelty)
There has been so much support and kindness as I have made this decision. I am so thankful for all of my friends, especially the other piano teachers who encouraged me to take time away and dream. To all my students still taking lessons, I hope you know that I loved teaching you. This past month as each of you found out, I was sad all over again to be leaving you. I know it’s for the best, though. My prayer for all of you is that you find more and more delight in your life, your work, and your music.
Here’s to whatever comes next.
P.S. My friend Ruth reminded me that being held in God’s hand is a bit like walking in the air: exhilarating and terrifying, both at once. Here is a piece of music that reminds me of what walking in the air can be like.
I love a good list. Here’s one about things I am trying out in 2024. Actually, it might be better to say I’m trying them out for this season, or maybe for a couple of seasons. I shall report back to you, dear readers, with my findings.
Baking Scones– As you can see from the gorgeous picture above, I have become something of an amateur baker with incredible photography skills recently. I’m kidding. That’s a stock photo. But my last batch of scones did turn out very well. If you want to be added to the list of people I bake for, you can let me know…and move to the city where I live. 🙂
Bowspring– This is a new to me form of movement. It reminds me of yoga and pilates, but the movements are different and sometimes slower than anything I’ve experienced in those two forms. I’m excited to try it out and see how my body feels with it.
Music by the Decade- If you want to win me over, a good playlist is a great way to start. What I’ve been realizing is that I want to have a sense of history when I listen and play. I am going to try out different decades starting…I’m not sure. Maybe far back (Hildegard von Bingen, anyone?), maybe not so far (Celine Dion?). All I know is that I’m definitely looking forward to the swing era, so maybe should start there.
Reading Old Books– I read a lot as a child. So much so that my family would send someone up to the library if I was late for dinner. I have found, though, that some of my knowledge of the Western cannon is incomplete. Scarlet Letter? Never read it. A Brave New World? Nope. Beloved by Toni Morrison? Hadn’t heard of it until a while ago. I don’t have a grand plan to read 20 or more titles from the Penguin Classics list of all lists. I just plan to pick up something that’s considered a classic and see if I like it or not. Review(s) to come!
Hiking with Friends- I tend to be a bit ruminative. Maybe a bit too much sometimes. while a walk in the woods by myself is generally good for me, I’m also trying to make sure I invite people to go with me.
Reading Books From Other Countries– This is something I tried a bit a few years ago, and it was really fun. Basically, I will pick up a poet or a novelist from a country that I’ve never read anything from before. Previous titles in this category have been the 100 year Old Man Who Walked Out A Window And Disappeared (Sweden)
Writing Songs/Poetry- This last one is something I’ve been doing a bit more over the past year. I now own a piano, a ukelele, and a guitar, so I feel it is my responsibility to give my musical children a chance to shine. Last year, I wrote a real banger (as the kids say) called The Pumpkin Song. It was all about a shy girl trying to say hello to a boy she liked but all she could do get out was the nonsense word “shoobeedadoo”…You had to be there. (Yes, it might be autobiographical) If I do write a song or a poem that I really like, I promise to share it here. Beauty is beauty even if I’m the only experiencing it, but it is fun to give it away, too.
Excited to share my hopeful findings and beautiful discoveries. Happy 2024!
Here’s one of my favorite songs for you to listen to. Drop a note before if you’re trying something this winter/spring, too!
All Things: 